We all remember when we had a certain President a few years ago who seemed unconcerned about our close friends in the blessed state of Israel, alternatively dismissing them, increasing our foreign aid budget to them, and several times, sloppily chomping on bacon in front of poor Netanyahu and his wife. It was an embarrassment to us all to have a secret hummus-loving prayer-mattist shame us in front of the Chosen People of Jesus.
Now, however, America’s Most Circumsized President, Donald Trump, is receiving the biggest Mitzvah that a goy can be presented with : The Golden Star of David.
To be presented to Mr. Trump at the Chai’ma Tush’yfan Temple in Jerusalem in December during the most solemn of all Jewish holidays, Hannukah, the Star is about two dreidels in diameter, and weighs nearly 160 gefiltes. It is valued at over a quarter of a million shekels, and has only ever been presented to one other person in Jewish history. That person was Jesus Christ Himself.
Due to be present at the ceremony, are celebrity luminaries Scott Baio, Kelsey Grammar, and Victoria Jackson, among others. The ceremony will include the ritual of Mish’shuggah, during which, the President will be showered with gifts of chocolate coins, be fitted with a toupee-safe yarmulke, and be serenaded by Lenny Adonis Senior, a Sammy Davis Junior impersonator. It is an honor we are unlikely to ever see again in our lifetimes. Oy vey, President Trump. Oy vey.